| back at oakley |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|03:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mehhh | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dave Matthews - Ants Marching | ] |
Well im back at oakley and all seems to be going alrite i guess. im anger and sad and i miss home a shitload i miss jamming with novie and skating with the boys and i miss amanda a ton. i miss all the fun times that im going to be missing out on. i may be comming home for the intersession which is a week at the begining of may like may fourth but i doubt my parents trust me but i know that in 53 days on jjune 10th , i will be comming home and it will be pimp and i will love it cause i will be home for like 2 weeks nad im going to see dave matthews with simon and novie i listend to crash all morning in governtment and the nwe listend to some johnny cash it was thung naasty i enjoyed it alot. all my freinds are really happy to see me back but honestly im like this fucking blows i hate it here. but o well hopefulyl i will be able to come home for good in september. this week was definitly one of thre best in my life and to coem back here boy it sucks. i got a really sick digital camera so ima take lots of pics and you guys can see what my school is like ad see some of my friends if you guys want. its nothing that exciting. at least i got the good snowbaording. o ye i was fingerprinted at the boarder and they have pictures of me now which is crazzzy. anyways i will write more tomorrow until then take care..
love,
jaredd
aka PreTTy BoY or PreTTy MieSterrr
p.s. ima be playing my practice pad like mad all day everyday whenever i get a chance and skating that way i get my drumming in check cuase i want to go to a good university and that way i will be able to be as good as mal and chris and sean at skating. bye. |
|
|
| back to school |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|11:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content yet sad.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rhcp - tell me baby | ] |
back to school
back to school
to prove to daddy im not a fool...
well im going back to school tomorrow because i got in a ton of fights with my family and it wasnt worth throwing all that i had away with them. its going to be tough going back because i had a blast seeing everyone and jamming with novie, hanging with ty luke lindsey madt colinstien and alex mal chris and sean. i also saw jeff my drum teacher and i got to hang with amanda twice and it was awaesome spending time with her i love her soo much. i also saw my whole family which was awesome. so im scared to go back because i may get in some trouble after pulling all the shit i did at home. but i know that i need to face my consequences and work through them so i can come home for two weeks hopefully in june god willing. i really hope i dont get into that much trouble and that i keep my privilages of phone and internet and dont go on suspenion or anything i shud be in good shape because lindsey and amanda convinced me not to run i love them they saved my ass. well i geuss this is goodbye for a while tho. im going to keep this thing updated while im at school so everyone can know how im doing. thanks for the awesoem time guys.
love you all alot,
jare
aka PreTTy BoY |
|
|
| this is it... |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|01:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  funky mood. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rhcp - under the bridge | ] |
today was the biggest waste of a day ever i lazed round the house and did nothing i talked to amanda a bunch which was good i miss her alot becasue i had so much fun with her yesterday. i saw sean and he brought over some passover cookies which were good. i watched strange brew which is the fucking best movie! its is a beauty eh?! then i amanda sent me a bunch of chili pepper songs and i downloaded some chili willy videos to my comp and some other movies. i gotta watch walk the line tho i still havent seen it. then lindsey called me right as i was about to go to bed and i spoke to her for like 45 minutes. i love talkin to her she is my best buddddd. she really helped ground me too and she vented bout some stuff and i told her what was going on with me then we read some journals from our past to eachother and it really reminded me of where i've been and i think it motivated me not to relapse and to keep changing since i am probably staying at home. its going to be tough staying at home but i feel that i am ready i know i can handle it. if i stay i may go see taylor hawkins with amanda and novie and possibly claudia on monday which will be chill and simon novie and i are going to see dave matthews on the 13th of june its going to be soo fucking sick i love thier drummer he is so sick he does a ton of linear shit and i like it. so ill write more tomorrow about the whole situation about me staying or going back.
love you all,
jaredd,
aKa PreTTy BoY |
|
|
| best day ever |
[Apr. 15th, 2006|12:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  perfect. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dave Matthews Band - Ants Marching | ] |
so today was defintly one of the best days ever. amanda nad novie were here all day and itwas sick at night i saw the hauers and the wieners and it was awesome to be with ty and luke again also lindsey came over and i always have alot of fun with her. im going to miss her alot because im used to being with her everyday and now that im planning on staying at home, its going to be wierd but we will still keep in touch and i will see her when she comes home which will be sweet. she was nice she drew me a little story about my situation and she bought me a red bull and she had a rockstar and we were cracked out a lil. also me and novie jammed all day and it was sick time. we watched some old son of jackass videos which were chill but we didnt get to any of the stunts or anything which kinda sucked or the ninja movie. also amanda gave me my present for our year and she bought me a braclet that has our initials in it. it was very sweet of her and i like it. i love her alot andi had alot of fun with her today it was good spending time with her. i really love it at home. i mooned some crazy bitch and flicked this person off because she was pissed at how mal and alex were driving like maniacs when they were just having fun and i hung with them and sean and madt and stien and colin and i also saw grace which was cool cause she moved to bc and she saved my ass this one time in school when i was fucked up. so things are amazing right now i love being at home and honestly i cant go back to oakley im so happy here my life is here i love it here.
peace and love,
Jare.
a.k.a PreTTy BoY |
|
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| i love canada. |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|11:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  serene | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire | ] |
So im home and i love it. i saw alex, sean, chris, mal, stien,noive, colin, madt and amanda,and claudia so far and i have had a blast every minute of being home i had a drum lesson today and i started workin to get into a good university for music and i learnt aeroplane and some sick grooves and fills which was tite. i love being at home verything is so perfect here i wish i could stay here for good i really do. i have a life here. this are perfect everything is going so good for me rite now. totally different than before at home i was a wreck so lifeless and now 14 moths later i have a life again. hochman novie and i are strating a band its going to be the best fukin band every we are gonna go all the way. and tomorrow i get to jam wit novie for my first time since i left for good and i cant wait. we will hang all day tomorrow. i gotta get a hair cut tomorrow nad i want to die my hair some colour but i dont know which colour i want pink but my school wont allow it which is fucking gay. so thats all wit me im going to start keeping this regularly now cause i got comp now that im at boarding school.
all my love,
jare
aka
PreTTy BoY |
|
|
| My Journey |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|12:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  serene | ] |
| [ | music |
| | RHCP - Soul to Squeeze | ] |
Intro: This is Simon broadcasting a journal entry of jared's epic journey through treatment. Hope you enjoy! Now on with the show!!!!!!!!!
Saturday December the 24th was my first time coming home since i got sent away ten months ago. it has been an awesome journey for me. the drugs just drained my life until i was waiting on death's door emotionally and physically. physically i was a wreck. long dirty hair, pruple lips, and a pale green color to my skin. also weighing about 120 lbs flesh hanging off my skin. i was a wreck smeling of BO, pot, and cigarettes. emotionally i had nothing. i was suicidal, i lost friends, seperated myself from my family, amanda, and novie. i was lost in my addiction to drugs and i was throwing my life away. then i got sent away to second nature. there my addiction progressed. one suicide attempt, 2 runs, and 1 plan to get the whole group to run, willing to steal a car and pull a gun on someone. terrible and horrifying things i was willing todo, to get the drugs. then i started working. i made air phase and had a spiritual cermony. i wnated ot be sober and change my life around. i had dreads at the time and i cut them off. i was getting out of my druggie image. then i found out i was going to vista. i didn't want to leave the woods. i loved it there and i was comfotable there. i tried to get out of it. i locked myself in my parents car and tried to manipulate them. i got to vista. i hated it there and i wanted to use again. i tried booking it, i was disrespectful and told people to "fuck off", i checked my medication one time and when i refused to get restrained i punched a chemical dependency counsellor in the head and tried bitiing steven, when i was restrained by 5 men. i started balling. i said it was easy to quit drugs boy was i wrong. my therapist tracy yelled at me because he cared. he wrote on the wall "I can quit drugs, it's easy" i balled my eyes. i knew it was a long challenging journey i was taking and was ashamed of all my addiction had caused me. i hated sobriety still and thought the twelve steps and NA and AA was for pussys that were scared shitless of there addiction. i was willing to give it a shot. i wrote my life story and started to change my life around. i was always joking around and always doing things for attention. so i did that for awhile, until i started working to stop it because my loneliness was underneath. then i found me anxiety. i switched meds and my addiction came out again for about a week. i wanted to use and run again. i wasn't able to come home because my meds were unstable. then i started getting back together, did step 1 and got my level 3. then we got put on refocus. it was 3 days before i was supposed to go home and my flight got cancelled, i found out one of my close friends bounced and relapsed, and i saw 2 kids on my team get kicked out. it was emotional. i had no connection to home, i sat in a circle writing 100 page papers and not being able to speak. we had hand signals to get what we needed. we had group and it was painful thoese 2 weeks. i had a group about my anger adn realized that my life at hom was shit and thats why i used. i worked on my anxiety and addiction. i'm on step 4 right now and i'm working through stuff with my family, and i came home and here i am. going on day treatment when i get back, 10 months sober, 8 months with amanda, and self-worth. i love my friends, my family, and my self. i stole got the drumming in me which is good. i'm graduating from my treatment center in a month. all is good. so i spent time with my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. i love my family. i spent time with chris, mal, and alex. and it was chill like old times. and yesterday i saw amanda. i love her a lot and things weren't akward or anything since i haven't seen her in like a year. i love her a lot and we kissed. my therapist laughed and congratulated me. no kid in treatment gets to see his friends and kiss his girlfriend, but for some reason i was allowed to. my hardwork is paying off, i'm calling novie today. i love him like a brother. nothing more nothing less. so it's my sisters b-day today and tomorrow is my last day and i'm hanging with jeff my drum teacher. i love where my life is now. i thank my family for their support, my friends chris alex malcom, amanda i love you so much, and novie my brother thanks for being there for me on this long journey of recovery.
Love with all me BIG heart,
Jared.
AKA PreTTy BoY |
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| whats been up the past 5 months |
[Aug. 5th, 2005|08:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | incredible - m beat and general levy | ] |
Hey guys,
I havent been on a computer since I left and I figured id fill people in on whats going on with me.
first off...IM SOBER and thats what really matters. Im at a treatment centre now and getting my life back together. I am healthy and taking care of my body as well im in shape and i groom myself neatly now instead of being a dirty hippie that reeks of pot and ciggarettes all the time and piss and vomit for all of you drinkers. you shouldnt use drugs drugs r bad learn from my story if not then it sad because ive been there and like u know its not worth it. you think your livin your life to the fullest but really your fucking dead. your dead inside and your dead outside. you turn you will and power and your soul over to chemicals that control you and you forget who you are and become a totally differnt person like a zombie. not worth it life isnt worth throwing away like that especially to chemica ls. I thought i had it all back in the day and i always told myself i would live my life to the fullest as if it was my last day to live. I realiized that was so dumb because i would have been wasting my life by dying a day early to drugs. it isnt worth my time anymore and im living the rest of my life staying sober and working hard and succedding in what i want to do.
thats about it i may write more later
Love You All,
Jare.
AKA PreTTy BoY:) |
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| this is it my friends... |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|09:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ......FuCkInG MaNGLeD!!!!!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Johnny Cash - Ring Of Fire | ] |
so its just past mid nite im off in them orning my family is waking up at 5 and we leavin at 530 to go to the airport. but i dcided im going to run and bun so yaa it shud be sick i guess except im realyl tired i hope i can wake up at 4 and get out. well yaa we will see what happens if not well then i hope i speak to you all soon caus im goign to miss every single fucking one of you soo fuckin much u guys are more then freidns u guys r liek fuckin family so ill see you al lwhen i get back hopefulyl ill change for the better if i go not for the worse. byee.
love from me heart,
jAred. |
|
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| ...final desicion. |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|05:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ...ruined............. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nirvana - All Apologies | ] |
i have to go to rehab.. its final... i dont want to go im soo scarred to go...liek 4-6 months min someonewhere in utah!?!? wtf im gonna be so far away from everybody and all alone and wtf this is gonna be hell.... i dont even want to stop fuckin using drugs.. i dont wanna go away wat the fuck is this bullshit... fuck.....
maybe ill write more later when i can think straight..
love,
PreTTy BoY |
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| one word... rehab......? |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|08:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ..lost and hopeless... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lynrd Skynrd - Tuesdays Gone | ] |
i have to go to fucking rehab... i want to die.... ima miss u guys...
love with all me heart,
your great mate,
Jared. |
|
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| i cant complain... but i hope to god i figure out wats wrong... |
[Feb. 4th, 2005|11:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hmmm...up and down.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Our Lady Peace - 4am | ] |
So today i woke up early and bought a pack of smokes from penny and then later on i went bak to pennys and i got liek 2 grams for like 15 bucks i got a big deal on that pot. so then we smoked soem from his pipe and stuff and then we met up wit lewis and other people n stuff n then we smoek da huge blunt i was ripped by the time that was done with all the lorazapams and chain smoking cigs. then i went back to madts house and hung for a few hours and just slept and i mis placed my zizzags nad my pot at his place im soo pissed off i cant find it anywher there im soo pissed off about it..so anyways im going to my grandfathers to sleepover tomorrow nite he wants to lecture me and help me get a hold on my life and stuff like that. so yaa if i dont find it by tomorrow mornign i gotta go to my grandfathers without like any drugs i got nothign left not even lorazapam o well ill take some sleepin pills that i picked up from madts and some pain reliviers n stuff lke tyenol advill that shud keep me drozy and numb.:) and yaa i went to the winter carnival with novie and his friend yonni and there we saw the leftovers finish their set. they were rad. and then i met up with ashley and jessica nad saw quite a few people there. then jessica novie nad ashley came bak over to my house nad we dranks some beers and then yaa we hung out played drums and bass and played some twister it was sorta coool to chil with them and spend the nite with them considering we never really hang out or even speak much. so yaa it was a pretty cool nite in the end enen tho i dint have my pot. im pretty numbed up now and i love the feeling i just feel soo relived of everythign as if i got nothing to worry about it in my life well anyways im off to bed and readin my book in bed n ill just hang round the rest o the nite till i like pass out anyways im outtie.
lovee wit all me heart,
-PreTTy BoY |
|
|
| ..throwing it all away.... |
[Feb. 2nd, 2005|11:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ..cant feel much.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Our Lady Peace - Not Enough | ] |
so my parents know pretty much from everything. such as how im addicted to cigs now and i do pot and other drugs and that i finished off the bottle of codine.. my anti depressants r def working so i got a new prescription for them today. Tomorrow i gotta go to a appointment from 1-3 to some dude whos a recoverd addict and hes gonna talk wit me and my parents abotu my addiction which i dont realy tihng that im doing much harm to myslef iseem to have everything under control.. today i relized something tho.. i relized that i acutally do love amanda. i found love once again. however i cant quite feel it but i do know i love her. i think its just im worried that im hurt her and i dont want to hurt her in anyway i love her soo much..but maybe in just a dangerous person whos meant to be alone.. suck tho i was countin down weeks nad days cuse i was supposoed to see her this week.. in the end it didnt work out.. so yaaa im feelin now cause of the meds i took and such and i thought id fill this in cause i havnet updated for a while n yaa thast pretty much it.. i think tomorrow im going to see where im goign to go with my life, to be succelssfuly journalist/writer/musician or a drug adcited thats homelss and usin like mad.. i dont want the latter to happen. but maybe it will? i hope it dont happen. i wont let it happen. i promise...
All My Love,
Jared. |
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| everythings good in my closed box! |
[Jan. 28th, 2005|12:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | soo blitz! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | L.A. Woman - The Doors | ] |
12:40 am. I just got in the door from silverbergs and im blitz like fukin mad nad i fuckin love it! I already confessed and told my mom about everythinb but the lorazapm and cigs but i woudltn relaly care i geuss becasue im having fun im enjoing my life and best of all im relaxed and im HAPPY! im living life to the fulles everytihng now in my life i just fucking give'r. so last nite we had a fuckign amazing band practice we finished 3 originas and worked on a bucnh of tyhe covers for the setlist. it was fukin amanzing we were all on fire and i was sober. So then the rest o the nite was pretty boring and sober. But then i woke up had breakfats just got out of the shower this morning and malcolm comes to the door:) and then madt comes over for a smoke adn then we too his bass sghit and went over to his place themn chris colin and stien came by
me and collin then ran to the back and lit up a doob it was soo fukin good but soo harsh it was really fukin strong shit and we didnt even finsih the whole thign we were soo blitzed then i took some lorazapans and sorazapams and stuff n i feel great completly relaxed with no worries so i really dotn care if my parents find out rite now. onyl tihng is that i feel bad about is that i brunt popcorn like badly cause i put it in for 4 min which is how long i thougt and then when we too k it out it was on fire the hosue went from reekign of pot to the smell of heavy smoke from a fire
stupid me. i always get high at madts
and hes always pissed at me and has a neverous breakdown
becasue everyeone gets out of control and we take advangtage of his house... i sorta feel bad i wish there was a weay we could make it up to him. maybe tomorrow some how casue i got to wake up early and be at school 4 10 ill take a lorazapm n smoke a cgi befroe i go ijn
il lbe all rexlaed and ill fukin pass that music exam:D mn then i go back to madts and hang there n just jam and chill out wit malcolm and colin and skate ns hit
it wil be soo fuckng rad i cant wait then i got audition on saturday but saturday nite i think were gonna sleep over at madts agia nit woudl be soo fuckin rad
i coud lbe blitz for soo long
ohepfuly collin could come
and it would be liek a band/sisterband sorta thing it would be rad
well we wil lsee wat happens and like on moday or tuesday im prob gonna get to see amanda:) that is realy cool i want novie to come back home from his shabbaton thigny...
anwayssss ima go find soemthin better to do that write im sorta tired but im not gonna go to sleep yet..
much love,
PreTTy BoY |
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| one word...... happy! |
[Jan. 23rd, 2005|10:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Van Halen - Right Now | ] |
I've been up for about an hour now n today seems just liek every other day except one thing seems different. I'm no long sad or angry im acutalyl really happy this morning. This week I was planning on picking up so much from dealers n stuff but now I dont know if I am. I just feel so alive ive been sober for 2 days i think my anti-depressants are kicking in I finally finished my history isu and with a break from school commin up and some great band practices im fuckin happy. Today has been the first day in a really long time that i dont feel the need to do drugs. even when i was sober i always used to feel a need for it. but today i dont feel it at all its as if theres no such things as drugs i feel completly free. and to tell you the truth i think i fuckin love it. i could go on forever just writing about how i happy i am today but im not cause that would just get realyl fuckin repetitive. so anyways i got an audition for drums next weekend for this show called kids wanna rock! it shud be soo fukin rad i gotta play whole lotta love or shook me all night long both im fuckin rad at so it shud be a good audition. novie is gona audition too! its like canadian idol sorta thing but its for kids under 16 so i guess bein 15 and almost 16 i guess i got some sort of advantage. but then again i dont care if i make the cut or not casue i just love to fuckin play n if i do make it, it wouldnt be wit my band solace. so it wouldnt feel the exact same. so at the same time i guess u could say i want to make the audition but i dont want to make the auditon. o well either way it will be a great experience and im sure ill learn alot. so ya i got to do some studyin cause i got a science test and a math test tomorrow that if i pass both i pass the year for both cause im not writing exams which is sorta good. and the later on my moms takin me to brampton and shes gona sit and watch my drum lesson! it shud be cool she never watches me play drums now i can show her. and while im out my dads gonan put some shelves up i nmy room and soem racks for some cds and shit n then when i get back ima put all my posters back up it shud be cool then novies family is commin over to watch the football game. hopefulyl him and i can jam for a few im in such a mood for it rite now. finally i see everything in my life goin good for me lets hope it stays this way.
all my love,
PreTTy BoY |
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| im an asshole... and proud of it? |
[Jan. 18th, 2005|05:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | .feelin blue. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Coldplay - The Scientist | ] |
im a fucking asshole. especially when im high. but when im high im happy. what should i do. |
|
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| sober... sick... and i to die... |
[Jan. 17th, 2005|02:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick and tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nirvana - Marigold | ] |
Saturday night was fucking insane! like beyond insane! it was fucking probably one of the best nights of my life! we got soo fucking baked it wasnt even fukin funny i smoked a blunt and prob liek 6 joints or so with like 8 other people soo many people were chillin there. i was soo fuckin high all night fucking long it was insane it was sick but then i had to wake up the next morning and go to the hauer's for a brunch but i was way to fucking tired and sick to go so my parents let me sleep. I got a feeling they were pissed at me for not going and I also got a feeling that they know i started doin drugs again. O well ill keep denying it this time if they come near me no more telling the truth for me. now they wont be able to stop me this time. so anyways i slept for the whole day and the whole nite n woke up a bunch of times inbetween sorta sucked cuase i wasnt really comfortable i just felt liek a ton of bricks pounding into all sides of my body n stuff i felt soo fuckin sick. so today i woke up as usal n i was feelin still sorta sick so i got my mom to drive me to school so i could sleep in for longer time. so i went to school only for history and science. and im soo fucked casue i got my history isu to do for tomorrow cause it was due friday and im like the only one who didnt do it im fuckin fucked but anyways i skipped third and got some money and bough some lunch across the street at the hospital with colin and stein and we had a pretty good time n then i saw edwards n him n i were gonna go smoke but derek had my pot in his locker so i coudlnt get to it which was sorta a bummer. then lunch came and bryan rolled a sexy joint in the washroom that him derek and i were gonan smoke but were saving it for tomorrow. anyways this guy came into the washroom n he blew his nose n then outta no where he snorts fucking cocaine! i was like whoa wtf this guys fukin nuts doin it at school n shit but that sorta sparked me cause now i think i really want to try coke like really badly that and lsd im gonna do lsd sometime next week right before exams maybe colin will join me but meh. i was just so suprised so see a guy walk into the washroom and without hesitation snort a bunch of coke. o well so i skipped last cause i didnt have to go to math and i sorta didnt feel like it and now i feel realyl fuckign sick and im pissed at myself for a bunch of the stupid shit i have done in the past and yaa im pissed at everythin at the moment and this anti depressant isnt workin fast enough or maybe its not workin at all but meh i guess thats the least of my problems cause rite now im not gonna pass any of my classes im actualyl going to fail all four classes this semster and one of them i am already repeatign liek wtf is wrong with me? i really gotta get my fuckin act together and do somethin wit my life but i just cant seem to do this ive been tellin myslef this for months now but it only seems to be getting worse o well im sure ill stil be here tomorrow so we will see if anythin excitin happens.
later days,
PreTTy BoY. |
|
|
| past 24 hours... |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|06:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blahhhhhhhh... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge | ] |
Lots has happened in the past 24 hours. Yesterday I convinced myself that I wasnt going to do any drugs at all. however by the time third period i already took one tyenol 3. Later on i took 2 lorazapms and by the time last period came i was on my 7th lorazapam your only supposed to take 2 or you can over dose and 4 shoould kill you. however nothing was stopping me i relaly didnt seem to care. Last night when we were walkin home i was soo stoned out of my mind that i walked along the pond and everyoen stopped where it got thin but i just kept walking and eventually i went in and got soaked it was liek waist height i was too fuked up to even have a reaction or even notice the coldness of the water. so i went home that night and went straight to sleep. then later on i woke and around 10 or so and i really wasnt feelin to good so i took some more lorazapam till i got till number 9 then i decided i was going to kill myself and end my fucking life so i got novie amanda and madt on cam as i took number 10 the one which would do it. i got off msn n pass out right away. i woke up the next morning i couldnt walk im supprised i was even still alive i should have been fucking dead. so in the end my paretns let me stay home from school and i slept the whole day my freind started freaking out cause i never ended up goign to school and madt started crying at school he thought i died. so the word got around school and everyone thought i was dead alot of people still think i am dead even as i write this. anyways the point is im still alive and im really lucky to still be here after taking that many lorazapam. I guess im meant to be here for a reason. i wonder what that reason is. so today i didnt do any drugs at all and i slept in till 2 then i went to mats house and i had a couple of drags from his smoke. but main point is that i didnt do any drugs today. so thats pretty good i guess it prooves to everyne and myslef that im not addicted yet. well we will see what happens eventually all things take time.
love,
jare. |
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| i got to get away.... |
[Jan. 11th, 2005|09:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick and worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John Frusciante - Carvel | ] |
lots been goin on past two weeks most people know some dont but anyways i tohught i would less lose on some o the stuff thats been going on. sundays band pactice was outsanding so much energy we sounded great except after the practice i got some bad news about how i have to go till thursday or im going to get kicked out the band. I went from this high in the sky happiest man on earth feeling to the most derpessive type of feelign with pure hoplessnessa as if your going to fuck up your life either way. in the ened i did the drugs as they r what r keepin me here right now. i agreed to take the anti depressants the doctor prescbirbed for me so im on those now maybe in a moth or two once those start to kick in and work its full affect then il lbe able to stop using the stuff ive been using. lats nite after alot of disccusssing i got back into the band and were right back in business except im worreid they may end up with a dead drummer i feel as if death is stalkin me and is really close. at the same tiem however i took 7 pills of lorazpam if u take 2 u can od n shit. talk about high tolerance i didnt feel anything until now im fuckin tirede nad feelign sick n shit i ono. but still. i think i need to get away from everyone i love in my life. im addicted to cigaretes now lcukily i didnt smoke anytoday. aside from that i got a feelign somethign relaly bad is goign to happen soon and that i wont be able to aviod it but when this thing does happen tis going to hurtt everyone around me alot maybe even myself. im realyl worried and im sorry. thats all i can say for now..
signed with lots and lots of love,
- Jared. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2005|12:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  fucked outta my mind | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Our Lady Peace - Naveed | ] |
Past month has been an interesting one lots of stuff has been goin on some good some bad. Now however its going much better than it was a few weeks back. only difference now is that im using again. i can easily see this getting alot worse than it was last time i took this route to solve my problems. however it seems to be the only thing that works. they want me on anti-depressants n some other thing caleld lithium casue im appereantly bi-polar. wel fuck that id rather just stik to self medicating myself. that anti depressant stuff takes motnhs to work by then who knows what could be happening to me. so im takin action now and it seems to be working. this past week ive been on stop and overall ive been feeling great. until yesterday that is. i woke up feeling like fucking shit. it was amanda's birthday n i was soo excited all week but then i relized i had no fuckin present and i wasnt fukin sober. so i rushed out and got her a gift certifcate to hmv and i had a cold shower went to my drum lesson and tried my best to be as sober as i could. so i went to my drum lesson and it was kick ass i learnt the beginign to fool in the rain i fucking love that song it was one that inspired me to play drums and next week i get to learn the solo part i cant wait. and then i went straight from there to the party i was soo happy to see amanda since last time i saw her was liek in october at chapters at anthony kiedis' book signing for scar tissue. so the party was really fun her friends were cool hochman and I got along really well just like the old days it was good. only thing i realyl regret is that i wasnt really myself on a day i wanted to be myslef so bad. even on friday at band practice i was high outta my mind novie and jordan got soo fucking pissed off at me. jordan went home early. novie went off to another part in the house and then we have stien in my room and im at my computer and i tihnk everythign is a fucking joke hes tellin me i gotta stop using i cant do drugs novies flippin out jordans flippin out stiens flippin otu and im laughing at it cause im fukin stoned like a mother fucker. so i promised id stop using. that is until later that nite when i was at silverbergs. we were on a mission to get high again we didnt get some pot but i took som clorazapam which is really fuckign strong i was feeling it all day yesterdayt i also smoke a few cigs which wanst a good idea but at first i loved it i got soo light headed and it was great but now im fukin pissed cause i want a cig adn fuck i dot want to get addicted to cigs thats soo not fucking me os what the fuck. i get morphein on wednesday ill take some T3 for now and hopefully ill be able no numb myslef for the rest of the week. The only problem is that whith me gettin high and shit i got so many projects and tests this week that r soo vital. I need to do good on them in order to pass my courses this semseter but for the first time all semsiter im acutally relizing reality and the fact that i may end up failing. i dont want to fail i cant fail. so wat the fuck is wrong with me. nothing seems to be balanced in my life it fuckin sucks shit. band practice today better go well cause it it does it may give me enough momentum to do my projects and study for my test which is all for tomorrow that way i wont need to get high. hopeuflly it will. well ill touch this up later on thought id just fill in wats sorta been goin on the past while.
- Jare |
|
|
| ..whats up whats down.. |
[Dec. 5th, 2004|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | ...feelin sorta blue... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Red Hot Chili Peppers - Soul To Squeeze | ] |
I haven't really been in much of a mood for writing latly. However I have some stuff I have to vent about. So thursday night I saw rafi and his family for the last time. I had fun with rafi and we talked alot and just hung out at the hotel. I'm really going to miss rafi and his family. They are really close to me and seem almost as close as my own family to me. So Rafi left last night and its making me a bit down knowing I wont seem him for probably a year or two. Although one day I hope to go to brazil. Maybe I'll do some sort of drum thing there if I happen to be a musician by the time I get there. Like I could do a clinic or even better the band could play there sometime. That would be cool but I guess they are just dreams I want to come true. Nothings wrong with dreaming though. I dream about lots of things and all it does is keep life intresting. It gives me something to chase after. Today's band practice was acutally prodcutive. We went through the covers and they sound really good so far. I cant wait till show at the Cathredal that will probably be in march. Its going be awesoem we got a killer setlist with killer songs and suprises its going to be insane thats about all I can say until day of the show. Lets put it this way it will kick some fucking ass. We also going to start recording the demo in the new year. Only problem is with Josh though. I dont really know where we stand with him. Like he cant really practice until after the break because of all of his homework and projects and tests and stuff but would he be able to be commited to the band afterwards. I know he plays bass in amanda's band and nothings wrong with that. Just I know he favours that band as it was formed first. I'm just worried that maybe we wont meet our deadlines in time. I just hope that things work out in the end. Thats all I wish for. Later on today (its now sunday), I really need to work. I got quite alot of homework and some projects due tomorrow and throughout the week and If I don't do them I really then I really will need to get some serious help. Hopefully I will be able to just put my mind to it and do the work that is expected of me. We'll hopefully the things I care most about in life and everythign that hasn't been going to well latly will get better in time. I hope.
Signed With Love,
PreTTy BoY.
Practice makes perfect so why bother if no one's perfect - chad smith.
We practice to be the best we can be. Not to be better than others; to be better than ourselves.
I got a bad disease,
Up from my brain is where I bleed. |
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